Bardiness

Beano? It's Dandy for Some!

The comic character of your local burglar, with striped shirt, mask and bag marked with "Swag" seems like innocent remnants of a bygone age. Of course, such types were common fodder for the Beano and Dandy, and children knew that no such villain or amiable rogue actually existed in real life. Yes, even back in the seemingly innocent times of "Just William" in the 50's and 60's the readers knew that this was a harmless representation of criminal low life.

Not so anymore. Such is the extent of fame and celebrity, regardless of intellect or common sense, todays burglars actually want to be seen. Mathew Maynard - a second rate tea-leaf, discovered his mug in a newspaper among a group of others which the police in South Wales want to track down.

So how does our 23 year-old wannabe Pink Panther respond? Is he concerned about the likeness? Is he worried about the exposure? Is he frightful about being caught? Does he go into hiding? Does he keep a low profile? Does he formulate alibis? After all, these are the things that most sensible burglars or international jewel thieves would do, whether they reside in Manchester or Monte Carlo.

In a breathtaking display of ineptitude, arrogance and incredible stupidity, acts which Peter Sellers or Monty Python would have rejected as totally stretching the bounds of humour, our intrepid burglar took offence at his image, called the newspaper (the South Wales Evening Post), expressing he wasn't happy with the photo, and would send in another! Such was his blatant contempt, he even sent the snap with him standing in front of a police van.

The police replied that he is a berk, and that everyone in Swansea will know what he looks like now. Well, surely that's what he wanted? Berk he may be, but he also knows that it is instant celebrity, and he also knows that when he's finally up before a beak, a small fine, perhaps a suspended sentence, even some community service is all the punishment he's likely to receive. Benny Hill would have have made a great set piece about it - all that's needed is a few scantily clad girls running around with a few bobbies in fast forward motion chasing our anti-hero. Da da diddy, diddy da diddy diddy, diddy da da diddy, diddy da!

Meanwhile he gets fame, the police look like plods, and spend their time wasting tax payers money because they know that the law will be lenient upon him regardless of their efforts to bring him to justice. After all, he's not exactly Britain's most wanted!

So how did it all come to this? In a separate observation, apparently offenders due for release on December 24th will not have anywhere to go and will be homeless on Christmas Day. Some aren't looking forward to the prospect and would rather stay as a guest of her majesty.

The liberal do gooders moan that we should be providing accommodation for them, but charity for ex-offenders is in short supply.

Lets get this straight. They've committed a crime and spent porridge - been fed, clothed and watered. Now after they've done their time, we should give them a home to live in as well. So not providing them with that, they will re-offend, and then society can take the blame for not caring for them properly. 

Yes! It all makes sense. Bring back Bedlam - it was more sane.
 

By Any Means? Don't Bother!

Having recently watched the latest episode of By Any Means, a vehicle to allow the somewhat very boring Charley Boorman to ride on lots of motorbikes and other modes of transport from Sydney to Tokyo by any means available, I was struck by the sheer inanity of his dialogue.

But putting that aside, plus the fact that there is little to educate or inform in this travelogue, his latest outing was spent in the Philippines.

In an effort to get from Mindanao in the south, to Manila in the north (not really that north, but north enough for him) he found himself using a variety of unusual contraptions (bamboo jallopies for example), and in between drinking Lambanog (which he calls coconut wine), sampling some fishing and visiting a cock fighting arena. The latter of which made him rather queasy and "unclean".

The Department of Philippines Tourism in London was very excited to see their country highly profiled on BBC television, but clearly they hadn't seen the content in advance.

I doubt they would be so euphoric now. To say I was disappointed myself is an understatement, but what really galvanised my critical juices was when he found himself in Legaspi City to attend a bikers jolly.

They met outside the Cagsawa ruins, which sit under the worlds most outstanding volcano Mount Mayon (an outstanding blog post of mine!)

I recognised the place instantly having recently stood exactly were he had, and yet amazingly there was not one single mention of the volcano, nor his proximity to the ruins where an eruption in 1814 left 1000 people dead and buried under the church.

In fact he appeared totally oblivious to it.

A great opportunity missed in my humble opinion.

He was quite taken by the Chocolate Hills of Bohol, but such was the shortage of adjectives in his vocabulary, we were permitted to hear only "amazing" "wow" and "incredible".

Who is this guy anyway? Well, he's the son of a famous movie director, and chummy pal of the actor Ewan McGregor, with whom he had previously ventured on a motorbike trip to some other far flung destination, making a "travelogue" documentary in the process (Long Way Round, I think it was called).

Other than that I fail to see who has indulged him with this travesty of a programme, and allowed him to make observations that would put a British Benidorm tourist on a par with Michael Palin.

In general this was a very poor show, badly choreographed, shamefully researched, and portrayed outstanding ignorance.

It may have had a place on some cheap digital channel, but to allow it on prime time national television, funded by the taxpayer is astonishing.

I wouldn't have minded so much if it portrayed the Philippines fairly and with a degree of respect, but it was nothing more than a self-indulgent exercise to satisfy the whims and fancies of a boy with his toy, and no doubt pander to a dumbed down like-minded audience.

 

True Bard

Having a blog called Bardiness would indicate an affinity with William Shakespeare. However it is merely a play on words, but originated from the moniker "Bard".

I have read just about everything that Bill the Bard produced, over and over, and each time am induced with admiration at every turn of phrase, every nuance, every plot and every rendition.

Yet during my schooling I cannot recall a single reference to him on the curriculum. I am purely self-taught. Over the years I have attended countless plays at the theatre, visited his birthplace and watched his output at the cinema.

Indeed, whenever I'm overseas I always look for a production of some sort. I have viewed them in both contemporary and modern forms, and through dance and music.

Although I'm a traditionalist, I'm astonished at how much of the work can be interpreted for the 21st century. For actors it must be the greatest thrill to be a part of such productions.

Much of what we use in common parley are attributed to Shakespeare. Most we use so naturally that we are astonished to learn they originate from one of his plays or sonnets.

All our yesterdays (Macbeth)
All that glitters is not gold (The Merchant of Venice)
As luck would have it (The Merry Wives of Windsor)
All's well that ends well (Title of same)
Bated breath (The Merchant of Venice)
Be all and end all (Macbeth)
Beggar all description (Antony and Cleopatra)
Best foot forward (King John)
Break the ice (The Taming of the Shrew)
Blinking idiot (Merchant of Venice)
Brave new world (The Tempest)

And that's just a fraction of the A's and B's. It would be a mammoth task to go through the alphabet.

But going down to "W", how about:

Wear my heart upon my sleeve (Othello)

What's done is done (Macbeth)

What's in a name (Romeo and Juliet

What the dickens (The Merry Wives of Windsor)

Wild goose chase (Romeo and Juliet)

World is my oyster (Henry IV)

Take "The Winters Tale" for example. There are just too many to reference:

caught red-handed
all the world's a stage
as white as the driven snow
bated breath
the course of true love never did run smooth
the green-eyed monster
lovers and madmen
method in his madness
sweets for the sweet
violent delights have violent ends

And just a few from Hamlet:

Cruel to be kind
minds eye
more in sorrow than in anger
something rotten in the state of denmark
take arms against a sea of troubles
to be or not to be
to the manor born
to thine own self be true
Neither a borrower or lender be
Frailty, thy name is woman
Goodnight sweet prince

Then there is:

Good riddance (Troilus and Cressida)
Into thin air (The Tempest)
Star crossed lovers (Romeo and Juliet)
One fell swoop (Macbeth)
Budge an inch (Measure for Measure)
Apple of ones eye (Love's Labours Lost)
Tower of strength (King John)
Play fast and loose (King John)
The games afoot (Henry IV)
eaten out of house and home (Henry IV)

The list is endless and most people quote Shakespeare without realising it. Whilst it's not known if many of these phrases were in use prior to Shakespeare using them, he must be credited with helping them survive.

I'm moved to write this post because I have just treated myself with the RSC's Complete Works.

It's a beautiful volume, brilliantly put together, and extremely educational with background information and origins and meanings of words and phrases.

Although a paperback, it's as heavy as a brick and just as thick. And all for a under a tenner.

Anyone reading this would be well advised to add it to their bookshelves.

But don't have it as an ornament - dip into it anytime and be enthralled.

Discover the magic of the Bard (the real one!).

Gordon Bennett!

Lets return to Gawdon Bennett (I mean Brown). My favourite subject at the moment. I wonder if I'm turning into one of those Daily Mail readers who bemoan everything from the state of fish and chips to the degradation of society because the fabric of the nation is un-threading at the seams?

No! This is just common-sense. Lets go back to gold.

I said in an earlier post that 60% of the UK's gold reserve was sold on the cheap ten years ago, to provide a quick boost for spending on New Labour's manifesto, especially in education. The UK lost £5 billion as a result.

Now we are in such a mess that cuts in education are designed to save £2 billion. Indeed, we now learn there are too many students and they will have to be reduced as well.

In addition to headteachers and other senior staff, schools will have to be merged, capping on facilities introduced, and elsewhere other services across the board will get the axe.

I really wish I could write about something else, but this subject is too important. It's important because we have been conned. Tricked by stealth and gloss, by a bunch of idiots who should never have been allowed deck-chairs on Brighton Beach, never mind seats in Westminster.

Let me get this right. Education was the flagship of Tony Blair's government. To encourage more and more young people to go to university, get a good job, and escape the cycle of unemployment and welfare benefits. A plethora of new universities were created, offering a host of new subjects, all offering a degree.

Whoa! Hold on...this is all very well, but surely in order to go to university, there has to be academic acumen? Right! So the solution was to make sure everyone was qualified to do so.

98% of school leavers now pass their A levels - a qualification necessary to get to university. Such is the volume of highly intelligent pupils, the pass has become so devalued there is nothing to distinguish the good from the bad.

Employers complain that such is the level of applicants with a string of A levels, they must embark on simple literacy tests to establish ability. They regularly discard application forms because they have been written in mobile phone "text" speak or email shoddiness.

But that's no drawback to universities. They need the numbers to justify their existence, and are happy to churn out degree holders in such subjects as media, fashion, travel and catering.

All worthwhile I suppose, but intransigent and transitory and producing such a glut few will obtain their prospects and invariably settle for much less.

Meanwhile core subjects, medicine, science, engineering, physics and mathematics all suffer from a shortage. Why? Because true ability and studious discipline is required for them.

So these young people escaped the dole queues and went for further education instead, and took out student loans for the privilege, many totalling over £20,000, to be paid back when they start work. But they are not starting work, there are no jobs, but all have embarked into reality with debt, and lots of it!

What now? Where do they go? Even the most menial jobs are occupied by migrant workers with whom they cannot compete due to the work ethic employed by them and willingness to accept low pay. A migrant workforce actively encouraged by this government to the tune of half a million at least.

The same government which was adamant to emphasise when the eastern European and former Soviet bloc countries joined the EU that only 14,000 were expected to seek employment in Britain. How wrong did they get that?

So now our ex-students are unemployed, saddled with debt (taxpayers money), and returning to the benefits system (taxpayers money) which they were so encouraged to avoid under New Labour's early visions.

Encouraged then, by the same man running the country now! How on earth is it that we fell for all this garbage, hook line and sinker?

He and his cronies surely are trying to clean up their own mess, but at least sick dogs return to their own vomit and don't expect their owners to eat it up for them!

The most humane solution is to put the creatures out of their misery. Still, the vet is booked in eight months time. I hope the end is painless!

The Mary Rose, HMS Victory and the Fighting Temeraire.....

The news that the Mary Rose is going to be mothballed for three years whilst awaiting a new home brought my own memories back when I went to see her earlier in the decade.

It was a trip to Portsmouth and a tour of the historic Royal Naval dockyard which brought me upon her.

Not far from HMS Victory, the Mary Rose is situated in a protective environment, where the temperature is strictly regulated together with a constant spray of water and chemicals to prevent her wood from drying out. Visitors can only view her through thick glass.

It was an amazing feat of human and technological endurance over 20 years which finally lifted her from the briny depths.

Moving her to a new home will be equally challenging. Three years is a long time, but if it will ensure the survival of Henry VIII's flagship then it will be well worth it, regardless of the cost at £35m.

I also enjoyed visiting HMS Victory. One of the guides remarked to me that almost nothing original is left of the vessel, having been restored so many times. Considering the ships age, it would be churlish to labour the point.

Improvisation is the key, but that doesn't detract from the sense of claustrophobia and harsh conditions which the sailors must have endured.

From the orlop deck in the ship's bowels where the surgeons carried out their grim trade, to the gun decks where the confined spaces restricted the crews ability to stand upright,and up to the foc'sle, the atmosphere is still palpable and little imagination is required to sense the chaos of battle and smell of cordite.

Signs indicate where Nelson fell and later died below decks.The surgeon William Beatty refused to operate on him as it would precipitate certain death early in the battle, and consequently Nelson hung on in extreme agony solely to maintain morale until the battle was over.

Thanks to HMS Temeraire, who came to Victory's support, the Battle of Trafalgar was won and ensured British maritime supremacy for another 130 years.

Nelson's body was placed in a vat of brandy to preserve it during the long journey home. Finally he was laid to rest in St. Paul's Cathedral.

As for the Temeraire, she has since become an image of faded glory. The artist Turner painted her as she was being hauled for scrap.

The mighty sailing ship, no longer wanted in an age of steam, is portrayed being tugged to the breakers yard as the sun sets behind her. It's an evocative image which Turner captured brilliantly.

"The Fighting Temeraire" is rightly regarded as one of the greatest paintings of the Nineteenth century by one of the greatest exponents of the art.

Anyone wanting to see the Mary Rose should do so before September 25th. Otherwise it will be late 2012 before she resurfaces. Victory is on permanent display, but if you want to see the "Fighting Temeraire", then I suggest you buy a print and hang it on your wall!